A lot has happened in the very short time we’ve been married. We knew that we wanted to add to our family, and knew that, due to our ages (!) we didn’t want to wait long. It’s funny because for the past eleven years I’ve said “NEVER” to having more kids. The thought never even crossed my mind, until I started dating Ryan. I knew he wanted to have a family “of his own” and though he adores my kids, I always knew he’d want to have more kids. Well, as my Ryan Middleton clause would have it, I would do dang near anything Ryan Middleton wants, so kids together we shall have!
During our wedding, we gave the kids necklaces with the words Deo Volente engraved on them. The words are ones that Ryan introduced to me early in our relationship. Ryan always said that he’s not arrogant enough to think he’ll have kids of his own, or that things will “work out” a certain way that HE wants, but rather he trusts that things will be just as God will have them be. The words engraved on the kids’ necklaces have been more impactful over the past 5 weeks than I could have imagined.
We found out very quickly after our wedding, that we were pregnant! I took a test a few days before my missed period, so I wasn’t completely sure, but I knew I couldn’t do any of the cute reveal videos on Ryan because there was zero chance I could keep this a secret from him, regardless if the test was accurate or not. So I took three more over the following week. All positive! We were pregnant!!!!!
I instantly went into planning mode for how we would reveal the news to our family, knowing we’d have to tell them super early because of an impending family cruise on which I’d now be painfully sober! They’d know something was up, so the news had to be broken! And it was! We had cute announcements to our parents and siblings, and kept the news fairly mum after that.
Shortly after getting back from our cruise, I told Ryan I just didn’t FEEL pregnant. We had our first appointment scheduled for two weeks after we got back from the cruise, but still, something didn’t feel right. Before, I felt bloated and tired, and grumpy, and…PREGNANT. This day, I didn’t feel anything. We called the doctor and they got us in immediately for an ultrasound. No heartbeat. Nine weeks into our pregnancy, it was over. An hour after our ultrasound appointment, we were walking out with an appointment for the following day to have a d&c. I can’t share exactly how I was feeling at that very moment, because it’s just not something I’m ready to write about. But to say our hearts were broken would be the understatement of the century.
I’ve never really experienced grief like this. And still, it’s hard to really put into words the feelings of loss over a nine week pregnancy. It’s like sitting at a red light, waiting to turn, and cars are speeding past you, shaking your car as they pass. You sit there, and everything else keeps moving. You still go to work, you still make dinner, feed the dog, and yet…struggle to figure out how to make your mind go back to normal. The physical pain from the procedure ends. Your flower deliveries and sweet cards stop coming. The packages of precious baby clothes you’ve been ordering for the past month finally come to an end, thank God. Your husband no longer touches your belly, but instead pours you a glass of wine for your tears. Your kids stop referring to the baby, and focus more on Halloween costumes instead. Everything goes back to normal. Except for your mind.
Here’s one thing I know. Ryan and I will keep trying for a baby. We will continue trusting our God to carry out the plans He already has in place for us. We’ll keep loving each other fiercely, whether or not we have a baby. We will enjoy every blessing we already have- which Ryan reminds me of constantly. We’ll spend time being newlyweds and smothering each other with all the love for each other! We’re confident in our future together, and we’re hopeful that, GOD WILLING, we’ll have an addition to our family someday.