As the year comes closer to it’s final month and the decade comes to a close, I can’t help but think back to a sermon our old pastor preached about a 20/20 Vision. I know I wrote it about in my old blog (good luck finding it), but it’s been something that has, quite honestly freaked me out, the closer we get to 2020.
2020. It seemed so far away. “Will I even live to 2020” my 25 (tehehe) year old self wondered. It seemed so.far.away. And here we are. On the cusp of 2020. And I think back- have I done it all? Have I hit the goals I set for myself ten years ago? Have I grown? Have I matured? Am I better? Are those pesky insecurities gone? What am I doing? Where am I going next? Ya’ll, if I’m being honest, I’m strugggggggling with life at the moment.
In a season that has seemed infiltrated with difficulty (disguised as growth?), my hope is that I’m constantly learning from all these life lessons. My prayer is that there IS a lesson to be learned. That, although God isn’t trying to teach me a lesson as a punishment, there is SOMETHING to be learned- growth to be had. And am I getting it? And if not- what do I need to grow and learn?
I read through a lot of my old blog, and I can’t just ignore the similarities. My insecurities are the same. Many of my struggles are the same. And though I am more independent in my thinking and beliefs now, I do still put a lot of pressure on Ryan to fulfill me. By that, I mean…I am more confident in myself to make decisions for myself and the kids, but I put a lot of weight on Ryan’s involvement with those decisions. I WANT him to be involved. I oftentimes look to this kidless-for-38-years man to justify my final verdict on how to handle an issue with my almost-twelve-year-old’s screen time. I look to him to determine how to move forward with sending my teenager (gaw…d e a d) to a high school football game alone on a freezing Friday night. “Wear that hat. No, use this scarf. Stop! That isn’t warm enough. Here, take this!” While I sit in the corner replaying my 8th grade years, knowing that a high school game is nowhere for my ill-prepared-for-winter-weather-13-year-old to be.
Guys. It’s just hard right now. I’ve not fully fulfilled my 20/20 Vision from 10 years ago and thank God, because my goal was to be living on the beach of North Carolina or Georgia by now. And thankfully, I am #kekiongadaydreaming with Ryan instead. And while the “coast” of Fort Wayne isn’t what we all envisioned for our life, I can honestly say it’s MY perfect paradise.
I love my husband. I LOVE that I have someone to navigate the hardships of tween/teen years with. I LOVE that he never makes me feel unloved or unimportant. I love that I go to bed every.single.night knowing that he adores me and wants to make me happy.
You know what I hate about my 20/20 Vision outcome….I hate that I don’t love myself. I hate that, ten years ago, I didn’t know how much I didn’t love myself. I hate that I didn’t know that if I didn’t fix it then, I’d be dealing with it now (at 35-ish). I hate that I’d deflect my own insecurities onto my husband. I hate that I haven’t dealt with my STUFFFF…. I hate that I feel this way.
I know one thing.
I know that MY GOD is the ONLY one who can TRULY and FULLY fulfill me. I know that a marriage won’t EVER do that. I know that a perfectly supportive family won’t do it either. I know that ALL the BEST songs in the world won’t complete me- no matter how I try. As a music-lover who has sat here for the past 89 mins listening to the same song on repeat, I can tell you- NOTHING other than the TRUE belief and TRUST in God, will EVER fill EVERY single void.
And so. There is still time for me. There is still time in this ten-year-challenge. I have time to CHOOSE to see God EXACTLY as He is- to see that He wants this for ME! Ya’ll, God wants my heart to be stirred, but He wants me to feeeeeel loved by those in my life. He wants my marriage to strive and He wants my marriage to be an example of His love to the Church. I trust this and believe this with every single fiber of my being.