Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about what it means to be spiritually responsible, and what it means now that I am the spiritual leader of my home. First, I realized that I am failing at leading well. I lead by emotion (see also: stress), and I lack the gene of patience. I react in ways that are anything but faith-driven, grace-giving, or slowly-angered.
We sang a song at church a couple weeks ago that really moved me (listen here). I left service craving a deeper understanding- of my own intentions, and the behaviors that I was demonstrating to my kids, and most importantly my purpose as a Christian mom, girlfriend, and friend.
I’m lucky enough to have a couple super close friends who I entrust with my deepest struggles, one being my cousin, Megan. I called her and confessed this stirring. I told her I was unable to fully put into words what I was feeling (because ya’ll, I’ve been trying to write this blog post for well over a week!). It was a hunger for deeper faith, a need for honest prayer, and a desperate plea for action. I have been sitting idle for the past few months. Ignoring the voice in my head that says “you know your heart and your purpose are not being fulfilled.” It is the realization that my faith is, like the song says, a slow fade. Without intentionally “working” my faith, it’s fading. It’s become second. It has become something I think about, but something I don’t pay attention to enough.
So I have to look at where my mind has been. What have I put my energy into instead of my faith? And of course, it doesn’t have to be an “all eggs in one basket” situation. But I’ve allowed it to become that. And so, I have a responsibility to myself, to my kids, to GOD to change it. And so I have to focus on what makes my soul healthy. I have to surround myself with women who feel this stirring too. I have to be in a relationship with someone who wants my soul to be happy and healthy, and is willing to contribute to that. I have to be a mom who appreciates the realities of being a parent to a Tween and crazy little guy. I have to open my Bible before Facebook. I have to intentionally carve out time for God like I carve out time for my boyfriend or for my friends. I have to focus on putting positive energy into my home, rather than bringing the stresses of life back in the door with me.
The people in my life deserve this version of me. I deserve this version of myself. And so it’s out there- in the blogosphere. And so, this post that has taken me over a week to write is now out. It’s telling you, anyone who is reading this, that we don’t have to stick in idleness faith. We can restart any moment by acknowledging the shortcomings we’ve been carrying, and planning a new route. I’m setting out to take back my home, to lead my family, to be a better partner and friend. My soul’s health is dependent on my spiritual health. My spiritual health is dependent on me taking action in my life to get back to the basics..cracking open my Bible and digging deep into the gorgeous words God has designed especially for me (and for you!)!