So while I won’t rehash the story of my marriage and divorce, I will say that I’m glad they both happened. Of course, marriage was amazing, until it wasn’t. And divorce was ugly, until it got better. But, I came out changed.
Before I got married I always wondered who I would be as a wife. I had high hopes for myself, of course! But living with someone else is harrrrrrd ya’ll. Things that seemed SO.HUGE at the time look teeny tiny in comparison to divorce. I learned that marriage fulfilled me for that season of life, but I also learned that I don’t do well in relationships (that’s my PSA to any single guy who may be reading, you’ve been warned). I don’t do well because I am insanely independent, and not in a good way. It’s that “I don’t need you, but I want you” curse. A lot of men don’t like that. And really, who would? But in addition to that, when I was married, I was unwilling to really look at my shortcomings and change them.
I remember when we first separated. To say I was messy would be the biggest understatement I’ve ever made. I was messssssssssssssssssssssssy, ya’ll. And not just in that Eat-bon-bons-and-drink-countless-bottles-of-wine kinda messy. I’m talking, Dig-deep-into-my-soul kinda messy. The kind of messy that makes you hate yourself, talk yourself into loving yourself again, hate yourself again…all in one week.
But. My marriage was over. And I had to move on. One of my closest friends told me that I couldn’t go through this divorce unchanged. She challenged me to find some truth in what my soon-to-be-ex-husband was saying about me. And trust me, he had quite the laundry list of things that were wrong with me….but a lot of it was valid. And so I did. I went through his many reasons for divorcing me, and had to really own much of what he said. Because he was right. I was selfish. I was condescending. I was arrogant. I was unhappy. I did ignore him. All of those things were true and they all hindered me from being a good wife- but also from LIVING. Like, REALLY living a life of fulfillment. And at the root of it all….I just cared too damn much what other people thought. And so, I stopped living for myself, and was a prisoner to living for ego and social-perception.
Flash forward to a year later. I wish I could say that I’m a changed person. That I don’t care what people think, and that I’m a free-soul soaring through life. But I’m not. Sure, I care slightly less what people think– that’s the thing about divorce. It forces you down a few notches. Humbles you. And sure, I’ve bounced back to a new reality. One that I almost fully embrace. But, full-disclosure…I’m still messy. And I still really struggle with self-esteem and fulfillment as a single gal in her mid-thirties. But ya know, that’s alright.
At least I’m getting this second lucky chance.